The Life of a Cynical Peach

The theme of this week for me seems to have been friendships and relationships. One of the biggest problems with mental illness, is relationships. It can be difficult to make friendships as well as to maintain and keep friendships. Even casual relationships can be rough territory for someone dealing with emotional instability. It's taken me 28 years of living to just begin to scratch the surface of what do (and not do) in friendships and what constitutes a true friend.

To be friends with someone who is mentally ill is no easy feat. To have to work with us, be acquaintances with us, much less be a good friend to us is a challenge. It takes a very special person to maintain a close relationship with someone who is struggling with a mental illness, and I applaud those of you who are family members of, spouses of and best friends of someone struggling with emotional instability. For me, the life cycle of a friendship is an interesting phenomena. Often times when I first meet someone we hit it off quite well- I am social, friendly and have a good sense of humor. I can maintain casual acquaintances quite well and people generally seem to like me... at first. As time goes on, the closer I become to someone and the more time I spend with them the more likely they are to learn about my flaws that are a result of my mental illnesses. I am very open with people about my disorders, usually I will tell them fairly early on into a friendship and if asked I will honestly respond about what I struggle with. Most people on first glance seems supportive and say they understand. Many know people dealing with similar disorders. The test of a true friendship for me happens when trouble strikes.

Some of the most detrimental traits of my disorders are impulse control problems and emotional instability. If I am upset or bothered by something I often don't think before I speak- I am too swept away by my emotions to even realize I should stop and think before I speak (or type, as often conflicts occur on social media such as Facebook). My emotions are often raw and uncontrollable- I can go from feeling great to feeling angry or depressed in minutes. People don't understand this emotional shift. My disorders are not an excuse for poor behavior- I still apologize and admit that I was wrong when I am out of "the moment," but rather an explanation for my seemingly odd behavior. I also have trouble with empathy, or putting myself in other's shoes. This is a problem commonly associated with my neurological disorder. Its not that I don't want to understand or feel for others, but its not something that comes naturally to me. People often interpret this as selfish, immature or rude. Those aren't my intentions at all, I just can't think the way that the average person would think in those situations.

I have lost many friendships because of my problems. People who I've offended and can't move past what I've said or done and accept my apology. I don't blame them, I just wish they could understand me and why I behave the way I do. That's what hurts the most- people thinking I'm a bad person or someone who is uncaring or hurtful because of behaviors dictated by my disorders. I am not mean or hateful person, I don't like seeing others hurt and I hate it when I know I've hurt someone. There are many people who don't understand my disorders and I know that is all it is- a lack of understanding, but there sure seems to be a lot of people in the world who don't understand and it hurts to be so misunderstood and have people judge you when they really don't know what its like to be you.

 Many of my friends who claim to understand and support my mental illnesses really are the best and most supportive friends I could have. They are a rare breed and I am lucky to have a large handful of them. The friends who don't abandon me even though I may have said something offensive and later apologized, who don't turn on me because I'm "too negative" or "self-centered." They may at times help guide my actions so I can better understand what I've done wrong or how I can improve myself, but they never criticize and they never leave me. I love them for truly being supportive. I guess that's all you can do in the end- appreciate the supportive people in your life and know at heart that you are a good person who is dealing with an illness that is often misunderstood.