The Life of a Cynical Peach

Everyone needs something to get them through life - a vice, a passion, something that you can escape to in the midst of all the chaos of the world. Something that makes you feel valid and important and gives you confidence in yourself.

Battling the conditions that I do, this can be very hard.

I have always struggled with negative self-esteem and criticism from others who don't understand. Sometimes it feels impossible to draw myself out of whatever I'm currently feeling and to talk myself away from the thoughts I may be having or the emotion I'm dealing with, whichever one it may be at the time. My moods can be very intense and all-consuming. I was discussing with a co-worker this weekend how everyone needs to find something that keeps them going, that gives meaning to their life. For her it was spirituality and new age beliefs. For me, it's music and dance.

 I have always been very intensely into music. To quote a line from an ABBA song (my favorite band) - "Mother said I was a dancer before I could walk... she says I began to sing long before I could talk." As long as I can remember I have felt a very deep connection to music. For me music can be something I relate to- if I'm listening to an intense song when I'm feeling depressed or angry, I let the music absorb my emotions. If I'm in a good mood, listening to upbeat music keeps in that mood. If I'm in a neutral state the music can sway my emotions. Music always holds memories for me- if I hear a song that listened to during a particular period in my life it can instantly take me back to that time. The song "Now and Forever" by Carole King reminds me of a good friend I had in college who passed away recently. I hear that song and I am reminded of the good times we had and the memories from our years together. The Avenue Q soundtrack reminds me of the summer after I graduated college when I was struggling to find my place in the world post University and how much I related with that show. The soundtrack from Miss Saigon reminds of the summer after my son was born, my first outing away from him was to see the show (though I had already memorized the soundtrack) and the songs from the musical kept me going through my long days afterward.  

Many songs I hear, I can associate with a time or place in my life- this has both it's ups and its downs of course- there are several songs which I associate with a very negative event in my life and that's hard to deal with. Most of them are positive associations however, or nostalgic ones even. I can hear a song and it can put all my thoughts and feelings into perspective and allow me to validate my own emotions by relating to them through song.

Dance, obviously very closely tied with music, is my passion. I've been taking ballet classes since I was 3 years old and I still take one pointe class a week, currently. Even though I'm in my late 20's now, I feel like I'm 16 when I dance. Ballet makes me feel young and beautiful- it makes me feel like someone special and it brings out the best in me. Even outside of dance class I feel important knowing that I am a dancer. Years of ballet training mean that I carry myself like a dancer and has given me a sense of confidence in my appearance and presentation. Of course I don't look or dance perfectly, I have had two children and while I'm still average sized, I look much different than I did before I had kids, but when I dance I feel like the same me that I was at 20 years old. In many ways I AM the same me that I was 20 years old, and in many ways I am very much not the same me, but when I dance I am ageless. I watch myself in the mirror with my pointe shoes on and I feel like a professional dancer. No matter what mood I am in when I leave for dance class, I come back feeling happy and confident. I can also thank my ballet instructor, who I've been dancing with for over 10 years now for always encouraging me and pushing me to be the best dancer I can be- whether I was doing jazz, ballet or lyrical and always praising my efforts.

I encourage everyone, those who suffer from mental illness as well as those who don't, to consider what gives your life a meaning. What are the things that make you feel like someone special and allows you to feel confident in who you are? The things that get you through the rough times and allow you to celebrate the good times? Everyone has them, it's all about discovering what they are.