The Life of A Cynical Peach

Do you ever find yourself frustrated by trying to be the perfect you? That has been the case for me lately. How does one become content with just being themselves, minus the imperfections? If you're looking for me to answer that question, sorry to disappoint, but I don't have the answer entirely, but I will share what insights I've come up with in my own search for happiness with who I am.

I used to try to be someone different altogether, try to be someone else.  I've gotten past that - that was my teenage self, completely unhappy with who I was, not even really sure of who I was, and always wishing to have someone else's life. Now I find myself trying to be the "perfect me". Who is the perfect me? I'm not 100% sure of that either. The perfect me, I suppose, is myself minus my faults and imperfections. I have a lot of faults and imperfections... who doesn't? Its good try and work on them and improve yourself and make yourself a better person, no can deny that. But when it becomes an obsession, when its something that occupies more of your time than just living your life, that might be the point where you need to take a step back and appreciate yourself for who you are.

One of my biggest faults is impulsivity. Consider my ADHD diagnosis, this isn't a shocker. I'm often impulsive in what I say and what I do- including some compulsive behavior. I'm lucky in that my compulsive behavior is one of the "tamer" ones as far as damage to self is concerned, but its still a problem. I'm a compulsive shopper. Not in the cute "shopaholic books" sense of the term, but in the have a seriously unhealthy problem with using shopping to mask my emotions and digging myself into financial problems way. This is one of the things I'm trying to work on. In a way, it ties into the concept of perfect self- when I make a purchase, I think about what items will make me a better version of what I am. I think "I would be perfect if I just had new shoes". So I buy the shoes. Then I think "I'd be perfect if I had a new jacket". But I just spent $60 on shoes, so I try to hold off on the jacket. But the thought of the jacket eats away me, becomes an obsession so I tell myself if I just buy the jacket the thoughts will stop and then I will be perfectly satisfied with myself. You can probably guess what comes next... I buy the jacket and then I see a purse and think "I'd be perfect if only I had that purse". Its a dangerous cycle.

In addition to the compulsive shopping, I've been trying to work on how I present myself to others. My impulsive tendencies in the past have caused me to shoot off my mouth and say things I don't mean or don't intend to say and it has caused real problems for me. I've lost friends because of it, I've gotten in trouble at work and school because of it and I've hurt people I care about because of it. Trying to censor yourself is difficult when you're trying to find a balance between being yourself (a sarcastic, dry humored, cynical person) and not offending anyone. Most of the time, I feel like I'm putting on an act for anyone I think won't accept me for who I am or understand my sense of humor and opinionated mind.

Those are just two of the things I'm trying to improve about myself- there are about a dozen more- eating more healthfully, be a better dancer, be a better parent, etc. The question I have in the end, is how do I focus on working on all of these? I guess at the end of the day it comes down to doing the best you can and forgiving yourself for the mistakes you have made. Maybe I refrained from making that cynical comment at a work meeting, but made an off-color joke on Facebook. Maybe I bought two shirts, but resisted from buying another pair of shoes. I guess if I progress is being made in a positive direction, I've been successful. No one can ask more than for you to try your hardest.