The Life of a Cynical Peach

With the mental illness that I suffer from you go through periods of severe depression. I'm in the middle of one of these periods now and I thought writing a blog about it might help me to work through some of my feelings as well as to give some insight into being a parent with a mental illness. I've actually found that periods of depression inspire me to write and be creative in terms of words. Its commonly known that mania usually inspires people to write and be creative, but in my case its depression which makes the words flow. So I've decided to go with it.

Explaining a depressive episode to someone who's never experienced one can be a challenge. For one thing, everyone experiences depression differently. What a major episode feels like to me may be nothing like what it feels like for the next person. So bear in mind that the descriptions I give are from my experiences alone. For me, depression feels like a dark cloud. It starts out slowly, the edges peeking into my daily life until before I know it the cloud has surrounded me. Being inside the cloud feels like being inside a vat of a viscous liquid- everything is in slow motion. You can't move as fast or think as fast. The cloud prevents you from seeing anything on the outside- the things you usually enjoy bring no pleasure. There doesn't seem to be a future in the horizon. It feels too overwhelming, all you want to do is sleep because that's the only way to escape looking at the walls of this cloud. 

When I'm depressed ordinary tasks seem impossible. Washing my hair feels like I'm Rapunzel washing 30 ft of hair. Cleaning my living room feels like I'm clearing the world's beaches of pollution. Everything is harder. This includes taking care of my kids. I love my kids and want to give them everything, but when I'm depressed its hard enough to think about myself much less two other people who depend on me. I do the best I can to get by- this involves a lot of video watching and Lunchable lunches. I make sure I take my son to school and my kids to their classes because normalcy for them is important. The less they have to suffer because of my illness, the better. But it feels like I'm raising the cast of Cheaper By the Dozen when in fact I only have two.

 So what helps when I'm feeling like this? Well, the medications I take prevent the episodes from become as severe as they could or from happening as often, though they still happen. Prevent me from reaching "rock bottom" and doing something drastic, if you know what I mean. Therapy helps me to put things into perspective and to gain some tips for coping with life with going through a major episode. Music helps- music helps a lot. I feel music very deeply so listening to songs that I can relate to at the time helps me to validate my feelings. And the kids help- while they are one of my major challenges when I'm depressed, they are also one of my major saviors. The adorable things they say, the hugs, the kisses, the unconditional love, it's what gets me through.

These periods usually last anywhere from two weeks to over a month for me, but everyone is different. I've suffered from this illness since I was a teenager and while the organic nature of the episodes hasn't gotten any easier, I have learned more ways to cope and have found more resources for help. Having the right combination of medications (which include medication for depression as well as the other symptoms my disorder has) helps as well.  Talking to others with mental illnesses helps me a great deal. You are never alone, and knowing that makes all the difference.

If you would live more information on mental illnesses such as Bipolar Disoder or Major Depressive Disorder please visit:

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness